There are some movies from my childhood that I remember fondly, and then there are movies that permanently moved into my brain and apparently decided they were never leaving. Kindergarten Cop is one of those movies.
I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve watched Arnold Schwarzenegger walk into that classroom completely convinced that being a cop had somehow prepared him to deal with a bunch of kindergarteners.
Spoiler alert: it had not.
And more than 30 years later, I can still hear half this movie in my head. “Who is your daddy and what does he do?” “It’s not a tumor!” And of course, one little boy calmly giving Mr. Kimble an anatomy lesson that an entire generation would go on to quote for the rest of our lives.
Kindergarten Cop is ridiculous. It’s funny, unexpectedly dark, surprisingly sweet, and somehow it still works.
And I freaking love it.
Mr. Kimble Meets Kindergarten
Here was Arnold Schwarzenegger, a guy we knew as the ultimate tough guy. The bodybuilder. The action star.
And when Kindergarten Cop starts, he looks like he hasn’t shaved or showered in weeks.
Then his partner gets sick, they clean him up, slap a suit on him and send him into a kindergarten classroom.
Kimble walks in thinking he’s tough as nails. He’s a cop. He’s dealt with criminals. Surely he can handle a bunch of five-year-olds.
Those kids show him very quickly that he doesn’t know shit.
And I love that they act like actual kids.
When Kimble is out of control, so are they. They’re yelling, crying, running around and basically eating him alive. When he finally gets his shit together, so do they.
They never stop acting like kids, though. Kimble just learns how to be their teacher.
And somewhere along the way, each one of those kids starts melting a little bit of that cold cop heart.
By the time we get toward the end, Kimble isn’t a cop pretending to be a kindergarten teacher anymore.
He’s The Kindergarten Teacher.
Those Became His Kids
One of my favorite scenes is when Kimble confronts the father of one of his students after finding out the boy is being abused.
Kimble basically tells him: you hit a kid, I hit you.
And then he does.
The principal sees it. The teachers see it. The kids see it.
And the principal basically pats him on the back for it.
I loved it then. I love it now.
Because that’s his student. One of his kids.
Enough said.
Joyce and Dominic
I think Kimble starts falling for Joyce because she shows him what it really means to care about the kids he’s teaching. Not just how to keep them under control, but how to actually see them and understand them.
And Joyce is just easy to love.
She’s friendly, sweet and smart, but she’s also strong and fierce as hell when she needs to be. She built a life for herself and Dominic and did everything she could to keep her son safe.
Then there’s Dominic.
His relationship with Kimble starts out hilarious because Dominic has no problem calling this giant man out for being a terrible teacher.
And he’s not wrong.
But they slowly become close.
At first, it almost feels like Kimble is trying to give Dominic some of what he couldn’t give his own son. His job cost him his marriage and he missed his son growing up.
But eventually it becomes more than that.
Dominic stops being a second chance at anything.
He’s just Dominic.
And Kimble loves that little boy.
Which makes Cullen Crisp finding them absolutely terrifying.
Cullen Crisp Was Freaking Scary
I don’t think I realized when I was younger just how dark this part of the movie really was.
Joyce had taken her son and disappeared because she was terrified of Dominic’s father finding them.
Younger me wasn’t thinking about all that, though.
Younger me was just terrified that Cullen Crisp was going to get Dominic.
He had already killed someone and gotten away with it. Now he was coming for his son and didn’t give a damn what he had to do to get him.
And this man goes after him in a freaking elementary school.
Bold.
Absolutely insane, but bold.
Suddenly the movie about Arnold getting his ass kicked by kindergarteners has a dangerous man inside a school trying to kidnap a child.
No wonder younger me was freaking out.
Phoebe Is Comedic Gold
This whole thing works because of Phoebe too.
I LOVE Pamela Reed, and this role was made for her just as much as Kimble was made for Schwarzenegger.
She is hilarious throughout the entire movie.
First she’s violently sick, which is the whole reason Kimble ends up teaching in the first place. Then she’s pretending to be his sister Ursula with that accent.
And somehow by the end she’s also a complete badass.
While Kimble is inside the school dealing with Crisp, Phoebe is outside dealing with his mother.
She gets hit by a damn car, gets back up, takes Mama Crisp down and then tells her:
“You’re not so tough without your car, are ya?”
Freaking comedic gold.
Could Anyone Else Have Played Kimble?
No.
That’s pretty much my answer.
I honestly don’t think anyone but Arnold Schwarzenegger could have pulled this movie off. The role was made for him.
Try replacing him with another huge action star from that era.
Imagine Stallone walking into that classroom.
“Yo, kid. Sit down.”
Yeah…no.
Arnold was perfect.
He could be the giant intimidating cop, completely clueless teacher, funny, awkward, sweet, romantic and fiercely protective all in the same movie.
And somehow you bought every bit of it.
It’s a Classic
I don’t know how many times I’ve seen Kindergarten Cop, and honestly I don’t even want to guess.
What I do know is if I’m flipping through the channels and I see it, I’m stopping.
It doesn’t matter if it just started or Kimble is already halfway through the school year.
I’m watching.
I loved this movie when I was younger and I still love it now. The funny parts are still funny, Cullen Crisp is still a freaking psycho, Pamela Reed is still hilarious and Arnold Schwarzenegger will forever be Mr. Kimble to me.
There really isn’t anything deeper I need to say about it.
It’s Kindergarten Cop.
It’s a classic.
And apparently after writing all of this, I need to watch it again.
IT’S NOT A TUMOR!
