My name is Krista and I am a 37-year old woman who recently came out publicly as being gay. I am devoted to my Rottweilers, my family and my friends. I root for the underdog. I over think everything and I sing and dance without the aid of alcohol. I cry during movies and shows, that I find poignant. I honestly believe that if I move my body in a certain direction while I am playing video games that my character in the game will move faster and better (as such, I am terrible at video games). I have a nonexistent sense of direction. I pride myself on being able to help others acclimate to new situations and experiences more quickly than I could when I was in their position. I find my escape through good stories: books, movies, tv shows and web series. As you will soon find out, rambling is one of my favorite art forms. I love to write. I am in awe of the power of great writing and how words on a page can evoke real emotions. My first true dream was to write something meaningful; something that would touch or inspire someone else.
I Kissed a Girl and I liked it!
In 2002, I was kissed by a girl for the first time and my entire world began to change. I was lost, afraid, confused, intrigued and awoken.
Have you ever had a feeling of your life being totally displaced? By that, I mean suddenly almost everything you thought you knew about yourself was pulled into question? I most certainly have.
What about boys? I dated in my last year of high school and throughout my college years. I dated guys, but I never felt what all my girl friends (that being girls that are friends and not girls that are more than friends, that would come later) felt. I never felt that insatiable desire to be with a guy. I connected with guys on an emotional level. I enjoyed talking to them, getting to know them better, playing board games and video games and watching movies, but that is where it ends. I always thought that there was something wrong with me. I felt like there was something internal that was broken and I just had to deal with that and go through the motions. I had no idea why I didn’t have any interest in being physical with a guy. I found guys attractive. His smile, or his hair (preferably short), his eyes, his intelligence or his toned chest, all of these aspects caught my attention. I appreciated the beauty of men, but had no intention or desire to take things past the stage of appreciation. I frankly had no desire. I would kiss the boys I dated because that is what you are supposed to do, and if you know me, I am most likely to do that which I am supposed to do. I did not kiss them because I needed to or wanted to. Frankly, I found it boring and uncomfortable and awkward. Despite this, I never questioned if I was straight. It was just a given that I was.
When I was growing up, times seemed much more different than they are today. We didn’t have YouTube providing real life stories of strong out and proud females; reinforcing that being gay is normal and being yourself is the right thing to do. We didn’t have web series like Carmilla and Couple-ish which have lead characters that are gay without it being the defining aspect of their identity. We had “that’s gay” or “she’s such a lezzy” which were thrown around with the same casual nature of a hello or goodbye.
If I am being honest with myself and with you. I had been lying to myself for decades. I would convince myself that I was just jealous that my friend was spending more time with her boyfriend, or that I was so enthralled with this girl because of what she accomplished. I constantly told myself, I just want to be like her, I don’t want to be with her. I lied to myself, over and over and over again. It shouldn’t be surprising that none of my relationships with boys worked out. I always felt empty inside, like something was missing.
It was not until I was kissed at Toronto Trek in 2002, that I started realizing that I was lying to myself. It has taken me from 2002 to 2016, to finally accept this is part of who I am and to embrace the beauty and strength that it has brought into my life. I know, fourteen years, not exactly the shortest path from point A to point B. More like a path from point A to 24 by means of the Greek Alphabet. Like I said, a nonexistent sense of direction.