Who Am I? A Personal Article on Identity from @freegolaw

My name is Krista and I am a 37-year old woman who recently came out publicly as being gay. I am devoted to my Rottweilers, my family and my friends. I root for the underdog. I over think everything and I sing and dance without the aid of alcohol.  I cry during movies and shows, that I find poignant. I honestly believe that if I move my body in a certain direction while I am playing video games that my character in the game will move faster and better (as such, I am terrible at video games). I have a nonexistent sense of direction. I pride myself on being able to help others acclimate to new situations and experiences more quickly than I could when I was in their position. I find my escape through good stories: books, movies, tv shows and web series. As you will soon find out, rambling is one of my favorite art forms. I love to write. I am in awe of the power of great writing and how words on a page can evoke real emotions. My first true dream was to write something meaningful; something that would touch or inspire someone else.

I Kissed a Girl and I liked it!

In 2002, I was kissed by a girl for the first time and my entire world began to change. I was lost, afraid, confused, intrigued and awoken.

Have you ever had a feeling of your life being totally displaced? By that, I mean suddenly almost everything you thought you knew about yourself was pulled into question? I most certainly have.

What about boys? I dated in my last year of high school and throughout my college years. I dated guys, but I never felt what all my girl friends (that being girls that are friends and not girls that are more than friends, that would come later) felt. I never felt that insatiable desire to be with a guy. I connected with guys on an emotional level. I enjoyed talking to them, getting to know them better, playing board games and video games and watching movies, but that is where it ends. I always thought that there was something wrong with me. I felt like there was something internal that was broken and I just had to deal with that and go through the motions. I had no idea why I didn’t have any interest in being physical with a guy.  I found guys attractive. His smile, or his hair (preferably short), his eyes, his intelligence or his toned chest, all of these aspects caught my attention. I appreciated the beauty of men, but had no intention or desire to take things past the stage of appreciation. I frankly had no desire.  I would kiss the boys I dated because that is what you are supposed to do, and if you know me, I am most likely to do that which I am supposed to do.  I did not kiss them because I needed to or wanted to.  Frankly, I found it boring and uncomfortable and awkward. Despite this, I never questioned if I was straight. It was just a given that I was.

When I was growing up, times seemed much more different than they are today. We didn’t have YouTube providing real life stories of strong out and proud females; reinforcing that being gay is normal and being yourself is the right thing to do. We didn’t have web series like Carmilla and Couple-ish which have lead characters that are gay without it being the defining aspect of their identity.  We had “that’s gay” or “she’s such a lezzy” which were thrown around with the same casual nature of a hello or goodbye.

If I am being honest with myself and with you. I had been lying to myself for decades. I would convince myself that I was just jealous that my friend was spending more time with her boyfriend, or that I was so enthralled with this girl because of what she accomplished. I constantly told myself, I just want to be like her, I don’t want to be with her. I lied to myself, over and over and over again. It shouldn’t be surprising that none of my relationships with boys worked out. I always felt empty inside, like something was missing.

It was not until I was kissed at Toronto Trek in 2002, that I started realizing that I was lying to myself. It has taken me from 2002 to 2016, to finally accept this is part of who I am and to embrace the beauty and strength that it has brought into my life. I know, fourteen years, not exactly the shortest path from point A to point B. More like a path from point A to 24 by means of the Greek Alphabet. Like I said, a nonexistent sense of direction.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Who Am I? A Personal Article on Identity from @freegolaw

  1. Thanks for sharing your story. As a black woman, I know how difficult it can be facing judgments based on who you are. If you are different due to what society expects you to be, you can face criticism. Whether you love someone of the same sex or a different race shouldn’t matter and make everyone view you as though something is wrong with you. Keep being who you are and loving who you want.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stacy,
      Thank you so much for your kind words! I am sorry that you have had difficulties too! From what I know about you, you are an amazing and beautiful person! Keep being who you are! Thank you so much for reaching out.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s