I can’t believe Preacher finaled! I just can’t believe the season is already over, but let’s relive the all the holy crap moments of the last episode of season one of Preacher right now.
We start with 17 hours and 22 minutes until the arrival of God in Annville. Jesse is a bit busy with the cops and by busy I mean he’s running from the sound of sirens. The women of Annville are getting gussied up for God, well except Tulip. Donnie and his wife are having a “nice” morning together, but Tulip was told that he had taken Jesse. Turns out the preacher was just staying at their house.
Cassidy got himself arrested and spends some time chatting with a man wearing the old high school mascot outfit. The sheriff wants to know where Eugene is, but Cassidy tells him that he really doesn’t want to. He has a massive file all about the vampire, which involves an attempted murder and an attack on a magician. The dates though are a touch suspicious, the oldest is from 1922. Cassidy says that everyone tells him he looks young. The sheriff goes on to say that he’s seen the glasses and the hats and when Cassidy rushes the bars he shoots him. Then he gives him a cup of blood from a portable coffee pot. He then calls Cassidy a vampire, so the sheriff knows what’s up. Donnie is telling Tulip that he could have killed Jesse, but he didn’t because the preacher was merciful to him that night in the gas station bathroom. He then wanted to help him by letting him hide out in his house. His wife is very proud of Donnie, though Tulip thinks this is all very weird. Tulip confronts him about what the heck is going on in Annville and he points out that she came back for him and then apologizes. She asks him to do something for her and grabs for his belt buckle. This totally looks like sex, but she pops her trunk and reveals Carlos to him. She then tells him to kill him.
We get to see Carlos before his kidnapping, which involves him hitting on a mailwoman, when she turns him down he insults her. He’s totally wearing an earpiece and it turns out it’s the day he ditched Tulip and Jesse. While he’s outside the two of them are raiding the safe deposit boxes in a bank. Jesse finds a super weird sex toy, which he uses to gross Tulip out. They are working to blow up the vault, but they have a few more minutes. Carlos takes the bags that they already filled with the money from the boxes and after ruining his shoe in what I hope is just a puddle of water, even though there was totally a condom floating in it, he heads back inside. All the people in the bank are hogtied and their mouths are duct taped. Carlos cuts the restraints on the security guard and drives off. Jesse and Tulip run for it, but Jesse has to shoot the guard. Then Tulip is in a panic because of the baby. In the present Jesse punches Carlos in the face and asks him why, to which he responds “Because you were happy.” The man who runs the control room, which I’m not sure the purpose of, is on the phone with someone he wants to get frisky with, but apparently they just want to go to the movies. In the jail Cassidy has been shot a number of times, this is some very bloody interrogating, and he tells the sheriff that Jesse wouldn’t hurt Eugene. The sheriff is really not enjoying his world getting all supernatural. Cassidy asks him if there is even some tiny part of him that would be happy if his son never came back. He says he doesn’t understand how he does it and then starts talking about Eugene’s face. Then the sheriff shoots him a heck of a lot, but after that tells Cassidy that he can go.
Tulip and Jesse are fighting, but Donnie is reading Gorillas in the Mist and his wife is reading Good Housekeeping. Carlos is still alive, but Tulip says that they get to kill him because of what he did to them. Jesse says that no matter what they do that the baby won’t come back, and even though she knows that Tulip still wants Carlos to pay. They both stop talking and Jesse grabs a trash bag and an oven mitt out of the kitchen. As he grabs the gun he tells Tulip that he’s going to Hell anyway. He puts the trash bag over Carlos, then puts the gun in the oven mitt. Before he can shoot him, Tulip comes outside and hugs him. Then says that this is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for her. She says that he was right, then tells him not to do it. With Carlos still wrapped up Tulip says that killing him in her trunk will ruin her car. Jesse says that the bag will collect the brains and that if he aims right it’ll be fine. Tulip says that it’s the thought that counts and they let Carlos go. Though Tulip gives him a tire iron and then Jesse gives him the gun. Well, it turns out that they were just evening the odds. Yeah, even with two weapons Tulip and Jesse definitely won that fight. In the morning Donnie’s wife tells the police that Jesse and Tulip are hiding at her house, but she was totally playing them. As they drive away Tulip, Donnie, and Jesse pop out of the trunk and head into the church. They all start prepping it for the big meeting with God, which includes Jesse setting up the phone. Donnie’s wife checks it out and says she sees what looks like a video conferencing button and a speaker phone button. She’s like heavenly tech support.
All Saints’ is full of people and Jesse has no idea what is going to happen. Tulip says that no matter what that they’re getting french fries after, which seems like a good plan to me. Cassidy has made it to church, though he says he’s fine, even if he was filled with bullet holes. Emily’s daughter asks if they are saving a seat for Miles, apparently she hasn’t mentioned the whole fed to a vampire thing to the young’uns. Jesse makes his way out and starts mass. Odin jumps in front of him and totally cuts him off. He says that today they are going to answer the most pressing question of whether there is a God. He’s totally making fun of Jesse for attempting this, he then calls him a liar. Then we get to hear about the god of meat, seriously Odin, you aren’t getting any converts to your weird meat cult. Jesse pulls out the phone and the necessary angel hand and then we get to hear the whir of a dial-up modem. The phone isn’t exactly cooperating, I’m sure God has a lot of lines to answer. Then the lights go out, yeah all the lights, like the sun is gone and then bam! The church is as bright as the Fourth of July. Well, hello God. He’s chilling on a throne and rocking the white robe and epic beard. He wants to know why his children have called him and Jesse says he called him because they have questions. Yeah, God isn’t happy at all and he totally doesn’t want to answer questions. Then Tulip shouts back and does not restrain herself. Jesse is pretty dang angry too and he asks why God doesn’t act like a father and take the time to answer their questions? Uh, God starts laughing and says balls, which doesn’t seem entirely godlike, but hey, no judgement. Then people start asking questions.
A girl stands up and asks why bad things happen to good people and God says that he wanted everyone to feel everything and that beyond joy and happiness he wanted them to feel pain. Then everyone starts shouting questions, Cassidy says this is crazier than a Bieber concert. Odin stands up and demands to know about his family, particularly his daughter. God says that she’s there with him and Odin sits down in shock. Then God turns to Jesse and asks if he has a question. He says he has one, he wants to know what God’s plan is for him. God says that he wants him to be a shepherd, but even though Jesse thinks he has failed, God says that no, these people are saved. Then he asks about Eugene, who God says has also been saved. Jesse is confused and asks how Eugene could be saved since he sent him to Hell with the power of Genesis. God brushes it off and Jesse thinks that’s odd. He comes forward again, after the poor guy who lost his junk asks if he can have it reattached, and tells God that he isn’t God. Then with the power of Genesis he demands to know where God is. Oh crap, God is missing and this guy is in trouble. Oh poor fake God, he just got dragged away by a bunch of angelic thugs. The sun comes back up and all of Annville looks devastated. Odin demands that Jesse denounce God, but Jesse walks out of the church and says that Tulip wants french fries. The sheriff is crying, most of the congregation is crying, and someone asks if he’s going to arrest Jesse. The man just found out his son is in Hell, the law is the least of his worries. A huge fight breaks out in the church after that, which involves Odin tearing down the big cross in the pulpit.
Emily is telling her kids that nothing has changed and that their daddy is still in Heaven. She understands that they are scared, but she says that they don’t need God and that they never did. I think she’s just relieved that God didn’t see her killing Miles. Then the guy in the mascot costume, the very inappropriate one, hangs himself. The girls from the bus driver’s route, you know the one, sodomize him with a sharpened stick, and then the mother of the girl that Eugene shot suffocates her daughter. The sheriff and his wife watch as Tom Cruise’s ashes are sent into space, Donnie refuses to have sex, and Odin makes a fake daughter out of meat. Oh and that room, it’s going off and a woman in BDSM gear, who just had sex with the regular control room guy, is trying to shut it off. That room controls the methane levels emitted by the slaughterhouse and now Annville is full of flammable gas. We see that both mascots are dead and then All Saints’ Church evaporates as the gas causes it to explode. Fiore is back from Hell, but he’s all alone. Cassidy, Tulip, and Jesse are discussing The Big Lebowski, again, and the entire diner disagrees with the vampire’s view of the movie. Tulip asks what the plan is and Jesse says they’re going to look for God. Cassidy is totally in for this road trip and Tulip is going to come alone, though she wanted to know what Jesse had planned for God first. If God wants help, they’ll help him, and if not Jesse is going to kick his ass. Jesse is still seeing Eugene and he tells the mirage of the boy that he’s going to get him out of Hell. Before they leave Tulip wants to know what Genesis is, Jesse shows her by using his voice to get her to kiss him. After the kiss she punches him in the nose, which is really the only appropriate response to being forced to kiss someone against your will. And now it’s road trip time! Oh, but that seraph, she survived the explosion, but not for long. The cowboy is here and he shot her right in the center of her chest.
That finale was crazy! Fake God, a massive methane explosion, the cowboy, and now we’re on the road for season two. Share your Preacher thoughts with us in the comments or on Twitter, @thenerdygirlexp. You can find me on Twitter, @kleffnotes, on my blog, kleffnotes.wordpress.com, on my kleffnotes YouTube channel, I run The Nerdy Girl Express Snapchat, thenerdygirlexp, and I post recipes on the iZombie Support Group site.